PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
VOL. 107.
August 18, 1894.
MORE ORNAMENTAL THAN USEFUL.
(A Legend of the Results of the School Board.)
The Committee sat waiting patiently for candidates. Although the papershad been full of advertisements describing the appointments theréclames had had no effect. There were certainly a number of personsin the waiting-room, but the usher had declared that they did notpossess the elementary qualifications for the post that the Committeewere seeking to fill with a suitable official.
"Usher," cried the Chairman at length with some impatience; "I am sureyou must be wrong. Let us see some of the occupants of the adjoiningoffice."
The usher bowed with a grace that had been acquired by several yearsstudy in deportment in the Board School, and replied that he fanciedthat most of the applicants were too highly educated for the covetedposition.
"Too highly educated!" exclaimed the representative of municipalprogress. "It is impossible to be too highly educated! You don't knowwhat you're talking about!"
"Pardon me, Sir," returned the Usher, with another graceful inclinationof the head, "but would not 'imperfectly acquainted with the subject ofyour discourse' be more polished? But, with your permission, I will obeyyou."
And then the official returnedto usher in an aged man wearing spectacles. The veteranimmediately fell upon his knees and began to implore the Committeeto appoint him to the vacant post.
"I can assure you, Gentlemen, that, thanks to the School Board,I am a first-rate Latin and Greek scholar. I am intimatelyacquainted with the Hebrew language, and have the greatest possiblerespect for the Union Jack. I know all that can be knownabout mathematics, and can play several musical instruments. I amalso an accomplished waltzer; I know the use of the globes, andcan play the overture to Zampa on the musical-glasses. I know theworks of Shakspeare backwards, and——"
"Stop, stop!" interrupted the Chairman. "You may do all this,and more; but have you any knowledge of the modus operandi ofthe labour required of you?"
"Alas, no!" returned the applicant; "but if a man of education——"
"Remove him, Usher!" cried the Chairman; and the veteranwas removed in tears.
A second, a third, and a fourth made their appearance, and disappeared,and none of them would do. They were all singularlyaccomplished.
At length a rough man, who had been lounging down the street,walked into the Council-chamber.
"What may you want, Sir?" asked the Chairman, indignantly.
"What's that to you?" was the prompt reply. "I ain't a going totell everyone my business—not me—you bet!"
"Ungrammatical!" said Committee Man No. One. "Very promising."
"Uncouth and vulgar!" murmured Committee Man No. Two.
"Where were you educated?" queried the Chairman.
"Nowheres in particular. I was brought up in the wilds ofCanada. There's not much book learning over there," and the roughfellow indulged in a loud hoarse laugh.
"Ah! that accounts for your not having enjoyed the great advantagesof the School Board. Have you seen the circular—have youread the details of the proposed appointment?"
"Me read!" cried the uncouth one; "oh, that is a game!Why I can't read nor yetwrite!"
"Better and better," said Committee Man No. One.
"First rate," murmured Committee Man No. Two. "I think we have at lengthfound our ideal."
Then the usher read the advertisement.
"What! shake the hall mat!" cried the candidate. "Why I could do thatlittle job on my head!"
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