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Stephen H. Branch's Alligator - Volume 1, Issue 14
| Volume I.—No. 14.] | SATURDAY, JULY 24, 1858. | [Price 2 Cents. |
Conference of Methodists.
The miser Harpers still Harping on the Dimes—Theself-degradation and downfall of theHarpers, who “played on the Harp of athou-sand strings—sperrits of just men madeperfic!”
John Harper—Brothers: These are desperatetimes.
Wesley Harper—Yes, and something mustsoon be done, or we must again suspend.
Fletcher Harper—That’s so.
Evil Genius—Go ahead!
Good Genius—Beware!
Jack—Our stock in the Courier and Enquirerdon’t pay. We have had the bestplace and the largest type in the columns ofthat Journal for 20 years, and I tell you,brothers, it don’t pay. While young Fletchhad stock in the Times, we had the best place,and the biggest type, but you all know itdidn’t pay. Nor do any of the public journalsyield a fair return for our enormous advertisinginvestments.
Jim—Jack: What in the devil are youdriving at? Upon my soul, you positivelyalarm me. Why, I declare, I never saw youreyes roll so, nor your jaws close so fiercely,nor your fist fall so heavily on your knee.Now, for the Lord’s sake, do disclose, in commonparlance, what you mean by your mysteriousdeclamation. (Wesley takes out hispen knife, and cuts his nails, and Fletchertakes a fresh cud of tobacco, and crosses hislegs.)
Jack—I have had an interview with JamesGordon Bennett.
Jim—Fletch: Hand me that fan. Wes:Please open the window. Sam: Bring me aglass of ice water. Now, Jack, proceed.
Jack—Bennett spoke of other days, and inquiredafter our health.
Jim—Whose health?
Jack—Mine and yours.
Jim—What the devil did he mean by that?My health is always good. I never had therheumatism or gout, like you, Jack. Whatdid the old reprobate mean by inquiring aboutmy health? I’ll thank him to mind his ownbusiness.
Jack—Jim: Listen: For thirty years, youhave imposed on me the financial departmentof our vast establishment, until I have rackedmy brain, and nearly worn myself into thegrave, and I am pursued in my old age, byour creditors, as never before. True, werecently resumed payment, but we know thatwe did that for effect, and before we werefairly out of the woods. I tell you, brothers,we are in a very critical condition. Peoplewant bread, instead of books and papers, inthese days of famine and commercial desolation.Now, brothers, I am desperate, and Ifavor a resort to desperate measures, to savethe credit of our House.
Jim—I think I smell a skunk. To save ourpecu