Round-Up Time
By CHESTER COHEN
Illustrated by GIUNTA
There was madness in Manhattan
when Queerpants came to town!
[Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from
Infinity Science Fiction, June 1956.
Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that
the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.]
My wife don't believe me. That's why she made me come here, and Idon't think you're gonna believe me, either, but it's the God's honesttruth—and the money's mine.
Hell, I wouldn't never steal. I know there's a lotta fellas in my fixthat do, but not me. I always been honest, and always got along okay.
Excuse me, but are you takin' this down just the way I'm tellin' it?Cuz I can't talk so good, ain't had much schoolin', and I want thistook down just like I'm tellin' it, cuz it's gonna he hard enough tobelieve.
Okay, thanks.
The whole thing started yesterday mornin'. I went out early cuz my wifewas sick and I wanted to try and get as much as I could by myself, incase there gonna be doctor bills. And it's a lot tougher goin' italone, counta my wife plays the banjo, and that's a big help.
Well, the subway take on the way up from Brooklyn was pretty poor, soI got off at Columbus Circle and headed for the Park. I figgered, itbein' the Fourth of July holiday, there'd be pretty good pickin's there.
But hell, I never figgered it was gonna be that good!
I had a little trouble gettin' acrost Fifty-ninth Street—you know,where they been doin' all that diggin'?—and I took a bad spill there.My crutches slipped on that damn gravel they got spread all over theplace. I don't usu'ly have trouble navigatin' that way, but thismornin' I was still kinda sleepy and wasn't watchin' myself enough.
Yeah, I went right on my ear—that's how I got this cut here. As if Iain't had enough trouble there.
This real nice guy come runnin' over and helps me up. He talked realfunny, sorta with his teeth, like. I couldn't make out a thing he said.A furriner, I figgered.
Then when we get to the curb, he takes off like a bat outta hell intothe park. That's when I noticed he was dressed kinda funny, too. Likethe creases on his pants was on the sides, and his jacket was onbackwards, and he didn't have no shoes on. Just some kinda floppy redsocks, it looked like, with a lotta yella tassels on 'em.
Must be a character from the Village, I figgered. I seen a lotta queerducks down there in my time.
Then I forgot about him, cuz I spotted a coupla young kids sittin' onthe stone bench near the gate, and they looked like a good touch. So Idusts off my hat and gives 'em a try.
But they was still lookin' pop-eyed towards the park where the funnycharacter went, and didn't give me a tumble atall. So I moved alonginto the park, and to hell with 'em.
There was only a coupla bums sleepin' on the benches near the gate, andI went on up the grade and around the bend. It was slow goin' uphill,and my leg was hurtin', but when I fin'ly got there, all the benches onboth sides of the walk was empty.
I thought, Hell, I'm too early. But I kept on goin', even though myshoulders was startin' to hurt now. I didn't wanna grab a rest till Itook in a coupla bucks, at least.
The ground levels off there, and it was easier goin', so I tried to getup a little speed, rememberin' there was a place up ahead where peoplealways sit on the grass and get the sun.
And all the way, the benches was empty and not a soul in sightnowheres. I was thinkin' may